I feel so lost. Like everything that I have done is a waste. It is not hard to see that none of my dreams are going to become true. There is nothing that I can do anymore. I lost. I am lost. I can’t take all of this anymore. I don’t know why I even try anymore. There are always these short periods where I feel like everything is getting better, and that I might be able to turn things around. Now I know that it is too late. There is no point in trying anymore. This life is a waste. It is not going anywhere anytime soon. This I know for a fact. I am a failure and I know it. I am never going to leave the states. I am going to end up staying here stuck in my crappily paying fast food job. I don’t want to live that live. I know the choice is mine, and I don’t have to. I could just stop this all. It would be so easy.

I don’t know why I am even bothering to write this. There is no point to anything I do anymore. I quit. I’m done trying to make a wasted life better. I have never done anything worth while. It has all been a waste. I am an idiot, yea I know it. I am sure there would be less suffering by the ones around me if I just vanished. I can’t take this pain anymore. I am sick of everything getting better for a little then going to straight shit again. I can’t handle this roller coaster anymore. I can’t fight it anymore. I know that for a fact. I don’t know why it took me this long to give up. I should have from the start, then maybe I would not be tormented by this pain. I am a failure. I’m done.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t. Saying my goodbyes. It was fun. Bye.



I miss sleep.

           I don’t know why, but for the past few months a have not been able to get a goodnight sleep. Most of the time I just end up staying up to late. I am not doing it purposely though, I just can’t fall asleep. I think I need to be put on sleeping meds, or something. I hate going through the school day feeling like a zombie. I feel that I just don’t absorb anything that way, and then my homework pays the price. I have tried going to bed earlier, but I just end up tossing and turning even more. 

           I miss being able to feel fully rested when I wake up in the morning. I have not felt that in quite a while now. I am just always tired. I think the main problem is that I am pretty sure that my body needs more sleep than the normal person. I don’t know.

          Well I am out of time to continue this post for now I probably add on to it later, but the class that I am writing this in is about to end. 

What Happens Next

          So a few days ago I decided to start learning to code in java after journeying through php I decided that it was time to move on. Today I got some help, and finally got one of my scripts working that way that I wanted it to. It is just a simple slot machine game, that I plan on spending as much time as I can developing it. Right now all it does is generate a string of 3 random numbers, but you gotta start somewhere right? I plan on adding points, and credits and things like that. Then maybe once I get good enough with the programming I will work on making a visual interface. 

          Well that is enough talk about that now I think, and now onto other things. I have been calculating and it looks like I am going to go a few days without cigarettes now, because a pack usually lasts me about 3 days. I just bought one today, and I only have enough cash to buy one more witch puts me 2-3 days without any. 

          In all reality though I guess that this is not really very important, and I should probably be worried about more important things, like getting caught up in school. It is not like I am going graduate or anything. In fact I will be heading in to my senior year needing only 2 credits to graduate. I just do not like having the amount of missing work that I do.

Well I can’t think of anything else to say, so I guess this is all for now. Nothing important really just more of my babbling.  

Feelings as of today.

So I don’t even really know why I decided to start this site. I guess that it is just a place for me to write my thoughts and post some projects that I have done. At the moment I am working on getting my online game, Legend of the Green Dragon, up and running again. I’ll post a link once I decide to make it public.

I feel that I am falling behind in every aspect of my life. I am missing so much work at school that it isn’t even funny. It is not that I don’t do it, it is just that I really don’t have enough time to get to it at night. I try to get caught up, but them more and more just keeps getting piled up. Not to mention I only have $15 to my name at the moment. I don’t get paid until next week Friday and that will probably be only be like $150 and $100 of that goes for gas and paying people money I owe them. I guess that is what I get for being trapping at a crappy job making $7.40 and hour.

I should probably mention this to incase someone does randomly decide to read this. I will sometimes use some very explicit language some day. I guess that it all depends on how I am feeling. I am not sure what I all am going to post on here. I’ll probably start with daily post, and then move on to weekly once I have somewhat of a good start of posts. I am guessing that most of the posts will be me just venting, or I will also probably post projects I am working on and stuff along those lines.

I feel that I should tell people a little about myself. I am 17 guy and a junior in high school in Wisconsin. I work part time at McDonalds, and I can’t wait to get out of there. I am considered to be emo, or goth by the kids at my school. Even though yes I do suffer from pretty bad depression once and a while I do not cut myself. I just enjoy wearing all black and having snake bites okay? It also does not help that I am pretty fat along with all of this so yeah school life tends to be pretty not fun. I like to help people though with problems they are going through and I am most of the time pretty good at it. As long as it is worth while problems, and not things like “oh no my parents won’t by me this, they hate me, and I don’t know what to do”.

So yeah… that’s all I got for now.